The Zelda Help Me Hotline
by Graymalkin1
Summary: This story was also written by SeaDour. One night while pondering in the Kakariko Windmill, Graymalkin and SeaDour open up a hotline for people having trouble with Zelda. Includes some inside jokes, swearing, and wet-noddle whapping. Please RnR


Zelda Help Me Hotline  
  
Graymalkin: Hello, we're here live in the Kakariko windmill ready to answer all the questions you have about Zelda!  
  
SeaDour: That's right! I'm SeaDour, and this is Malk, and we're some of the foremost experts on Zelda in the world. Seriously. Worship us.  
  
Graymalkin: Or face the wrath of our hideous wet noodle *THA-WHAP*  
  
SeaDour: You know that's my noodle, Malk.  
  
Graymalkin: Don't get me started *glares*  
  
SeaDour: ........anyhow!! Let's open up the phone lines and start answering questions!! ^_^;;  
  
Graymalkin: YEAH!  
  
*Time passes*  
  
Graymalkin: ...you know, maybe we should put the number up?  
  
SeaDour: Oh yeah! Call us at 1-800-CLDASUX now!  
  
Graymalkin: w00t! I'm a train!  
  
SeaDour: Okay! ^_^  
  
*hours later*  
  
Graymalkin: *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*  
  
RINGRING!!   
  
Graymalkin: YIPES!! Oh, it's just the phone  
  
SeaDour: ::blink:: Where am I...?  
  
RINGRING!  
  
Graymalkin: SD, you get it  
  
SeaDour: ...oh. Right.  
  
SeaDour: ::picks up phone:: Hello, you've reached the Zelda hotline! We're here to help you!  
  
Caller 1: My character is cold. Can I chop up Deku Sticks for firewood?  
  
SeaDour: ....your "character"? You mean Link? He's...cold?  
  
Caller 1: Yeah  
  
SeaDour: ::blinks::  
  
Graymalkin: ..........  
  
SeaDour: Listen.  
  
Graymalkin: -_-  
  
SeaDour: Yes, indeed you can. Here's how. Start by bombing every truth stone in Hyrule. Then you have to launch three arrows at Malon's head as a kid at Lon Lon Ranch.  
  
Caller 1: Yes, and?  
  
SeaDour: Then you have to run fifteen times around Lon Lon Ranch, non-stop and in as perfect of a circle as possible...  
  
Caller 1: Yep yep...  
  
SeaDour: And THEN you will magically gain the ability to chop Deku sticks for firewood. ^_^  
  
Caller 1: Cool! Thanks so much!  
  
SeaDour: And call us back when you find the Triforce! ::hangs up on him:: Next caller!  
  
Graymalkin: What a loser -_-  
  
Caller 2: Hi, I'm having some trouble with my game cartridge.  
  
Graymalkin: Uh...  
  
Caller 2: Well, you see...someone told me I could unlock Dark Link as a hidden character by repeatedly yanking out my cartridge---  
  
Graymalkin: Dude, we're Zelda experts, not game technicians! Besides, you can NEVER unlock Dark Link as a character! Next caller. God, WHERE do these idiots get these ideas?  
  
SeaDour: My bet would be HTLOZ.  
  
Graymalkin: Figures  
  
Caller 3: Hi...um, is Sheik gay or something?  
  
Graymalkin: o.O  
  
Caller 3: Because he like....likes to follow Link around and stuff...  
  
SeaDour: Yes, and you can unlock the hidden homosexual scene with Link by following the same steps as with burning Deku sticks. Next!  
  
Caller 4: Is it true that the more rupees you have, the slower you run?  
  
Graymalkin: No, but the less brains you have the more gullible you are! Next caller!  
  
Caller 5: Yeah, I wanted to know why Malk's being so mean to us poor Zelda gamers.  
  
Graymalkin: POOR ZELDA GAMERS MY ASS!! You all are complete MORONS!  
  
SeaDour: ...erm, what Malk is trying to say, is that she's frustrated because-  
  
Graymalkin: God, why must you tortue me with your POINTLESS QUESTIONS!! Day in and day out...that's all I hear...questions...stupid, stupid, questions... O.O GAAAAAAAAHHH!!!  
  
SeaDour: Here, Malk, have a Ritilin. Next caller.  
  
Graymalkin: ooooo....drugs............o.o  
  
Caller 6: Hey SD, you look like a 40 year old sailor! And Malk, you look like a werewolf! What's up with you guys?!  
  
SeaDour: Arctik, I thought we banned you...  
  
Graymalkin: Want me to take care of him SD? ^^ *THWAP*  
  
SeaDour: Uh, sure...next caller!  
  
Graymalkin: NYAHAHA!! You're mine Arctik! *leaves*   
  
*five minutes later*  
  
Graymalkin: *comes back in* That was fun! *wicked evil grin*  
  
Seadour: ....I don't even want to know what you did to him. Next caller.  
  
Caller 7: Yeah, is this the real SeaDour?  
  
SeaDour: ...um...yes...  
  
Caller 7: I wanted to know, why does your site suck so much?  
  
Graymalkin: GASPS!! YOU FIEND!! How DARE you insult one of the greatest minds in all of the Zelda Internet World! I wouldn't go to sleep if I were you!!  
  
SeaDour: It's fine, Malk. Allow me to calmly answer.  
  
Graymalkin: Oh...fine  
  
SeaDour: The answer is simple, and you can find it by sticking your head in a septic tank and inhaling the fumes for several hours. Next.  
  
Caller 8: Can I have a milkshake? Ask yo momma...  
  
SeaDour: ...who's riding the pogo stick.  
  
Graymalkin: NEXT!  
  
  
Caller 9: Hi. I've been playing for five weeks, but I can't figure out where the Kokiri Sword is. Can you help me out please?  
  
Graymalkin: .....  
  
SeaDour: -_-;;  
  
Graymalkin: uuuhhh...it's up your ass and around the corner. Seriously, FIVE WEEKS!? GAH!  
  
SeaDour: I once heard of someone taking a couple years to get to Ganons Tower, but this is pathetic...  
  
Graymalkin: No kidding...  
  
Caller 9: ...so how do I check my ass?  
  
Graymalkin: With your finger  
  
Caller 9: Would that be a special C-button item?  
  
Graymalkin: ........... ^_^..........yes.  
  
Caller 9: Then how do I find the item for---  
  
SeaDour: NEXT!!  
  
Caller 10: I FOUND THE TRIFORCE!!  
  
SeaDour: ~_^ ....Really. Tell us how you got it.  
  
Caller 10: Um.........I'll have to get back to you on that one. I have to go clean the litterbox now. *click*  
  
Graymalkin: -_-  
  
Caller 11: Can I ride Granny's wheelchair in Majora's Mask? That thing's got SPIKES in it!!  
  
SeaDour: ....it does? I never noticed that...  
  
Graymalkin: Sure, you can ride it, if you like decapitating old ladies with a spoon, you monster. Next caller  
  
Caller 12: Yeah, sup?  
  
SeaDour: .......not much.  
  
Caller 12: Coo', coo'.  
  
SeaDour: .............  
  
Graymalkin: So, uh, do you have a question for us?  
  
Caller 12: ........No.  
  
SeaDour: Don't make me beat you. Gangsta style. True dat. Next caller.  
  
Caller 13: Hello, SeaDour  
  
SeaDour: Yo.  
  
Caller 13: I just want to let you know...that you don't look like a 40-year old sailor...  
  
SeaDour: Well thank you very much! It's so nice to hear from intelligent--  
  
Caller 13: You look like a hot, sexy 40 year old sailor  
  
SeaDour: .... -_-  
  
Caller13: and I'd love it if you came over tonight and joined me for a romantic dinner   
  
SeaDour: ::hangs up:: The most disturbing thing about that was...it was a man. O_o  
  
Graymalkin: -_-;;;;;;;;;;   
  
SeaDour: Next.  
  
Caller 14: Is it normal for my cat to sleep 20 hours a day?  
  
Graymalkin: Dude, this is a ZELDA hotline, not an "Ask someone who cares" hotline  
  
SeaDour: To answer your question: the only way to find out is to sleep 20 hours yourself everyday for a week. After getting fired from your job for not showing up and destroying your social life, you'll find out the answer.  
  
Graymalkin: Next!  
  
Caller 15: I'M TELLING YOU, I FOUND THE TRIFORCE!  
  
Graymalkin: Hey SD?  
  
SeaDour: Sup?  
  
Graymalkin: Do you have a hammer? I think I may need more than the Wet Noodle for this guy  
  
SeaDour: Why, as a matter of fact, I do. A giant spiked one at that. I never leave home without it.  
  
Graymalkin: Thank you! *leaves*  
  
Caller 15: No...NOOOOO! What are you doing!?! GWYAA!!  
  
Graymalkin: WMAAHAHAA!! Come here, WHALE BOY! Momma wants to give you a new BLOWHOLE!! NYWAHAHAH!!  
  
Graymalkin: *comes back*  
  
Graymalkin: Well, he won't ever be able to talk again *holds up his tongue*  
  
SeaDour: Ewwww...get rid of that thing!  
  
Graymalkin: Here we go, I'll just toss it out the window *tosses*  
  
Random people outside: YAAAAAAAAAAAHHEEEEEEEEAAAKK!! It's ALIVE!!!  
  
Graymalkin: Next caller!  
  
Caller 16: Why can't I eat them?  
  
Graymalkin: ....eat what?  
  
Caller 16: The Deku nuts. I read online that they're a good source of nutrition. What code unlocks the eating function?  
  
SeaDour: Lemme guess: you read it at HTLOZ?  
  
Caller 6: How'd you know?  
  
SeaDour: Next.  
  
Caller 17: How come I always die in Death Mountain?  
  
Graymalkin: It's called "Death" Mountain for a reason  
  
SeaDour: Did you see a little timer on the screen?  
  
Caller 17: Um, yeah...But I thought it was just to tell what time it was during the day  
  
SeaDour: Yeah, well, that counts down to your horrible death of heat exhaustion because of your incredible stupidity. But to stop the timer, you have to jump into the lava 250 times. Next.  
  
Caller 18: What's up with Tingle? Why does he have a pointy-head and wear is underwear on his outerwear?  
  
Graymalkin: He was dropped as a child, and you must have been too. Next!  
  
Caller 19: Whoa, I got on! Cool! Am I on the radio?  
  
Graymalkin: Yeah, why don't you make a shout out....With your HEAD IN THE TOLIET! Next moron!  
  
Caller 20: Hey, do we win something if we do that head-in-toilet thing?  
  
Graymalkin: ...SD, tell them what they'll win!  
  
SeaDour: Well, Malk, the winner will recieve 1,000,000 dollars and an all-expense paid trip to meet the celebrity of their choice!  
  
Graymalkin: But remember, the rules only apply to those who have no vowels in their name and are 90 years old and still living with their mother.  
  
SeaDour: Next!  
  
Graymalkin: Actually SD, we're running out of time. Let's wrap this up.  
  
SeaDour: All righty then...OPEN ALL PHONE LINES!  
  
Caller 21: Where's my mommy??  
  
Caller 22: I CAHN STL TLK WIF MY TNGE OUT!  
  
Caller 23: I WANT A KITTY! KITTY KITTY KITTY!!  
  
Caller 24: I did what you told me, but I still can't burn Deku sticks...  
  
Caller 25: HELP ME!! I'm LOST IN THE LOST WOODS!!  
  
Caller 26: The COLORS, Duke, the COLORS!  
  
Caller 27: Can I put Navi in a bottle and sell her?  
  
Caller 28: I'm still serious about that dinner date, SeaDour...  
  
Caller 29: Why does that guy in the Guard House think Link is handsome? Is he gay?  
  
SeaDour: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in tomorrow when we answer questions for Final Fantasy! All 10 of them!  
  
Graymalkin: .......uh, SeaDour?  
  
SeaDour: Sup?  
  
Graymalkin: How many Final Fantasies have you played?  
  
SeaDour: Just Final Fantasy VIII, but you've played them all right? ^_^;;;  
  
Graymalkin: ....Yeah, we'll need lots of sleep for this one. -_-  
  
  
SeaDour: I still want my wet noodle back, Malk...  
  
Graymalkin: You want it? You really want it? Too bad.  
  
SeaDour: But-But-But...  
  
Graymalkin: ::evil eye::  
  
SeaDour: Oh crap. I hate it when she does this. ::disintegrates::  
  
Graymalkin: Good night! ^_^ 


End file.
